Forbidden
by italianvampiremafia
Summary: Compiled list of "Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."
1. I do not have a Pikachu Patronus

**Disclamer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters, terms, items, animals or spells used in this fan fic. I also, unfortunately, do not own Pikachu. Or the song 'milkshake'. Or Yoda. Yes, this is a list idea that has been around for a while and some of these I got off of other's lists and tweaked them BUT i just thought that if I was going to write a fic where a girl does these i should put the list up first. And the icons of some of these were AFTER I actually put all of these together in one place and wrote a lot of them so NO i didn't get them off those icons; however I DID make some icons myself. ****  
A/N: I put this together before I found out Dumbledore was gay so excuse the Dumbledore/McGonagall references, but they are still funny.**

1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".

2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".

4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

5. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.

6. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

7. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".

8. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

9. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

10. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

11. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.

12. Adding the name "Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.

13. "Spring-time for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

14. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

15. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

16. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

17. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror."

18. It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you never go back."

19. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

20. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".

21. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.

22. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

23. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

24. I do not weigh the same as a duck.

25. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

26. I will not lick Trevor.

27. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

28. Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.

29. I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

30. I am not a Pinball Wizard.

31. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

32. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

33. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

34. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

35. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they are real animals.

36. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "the force"

37. Must refrain from eating fellow students. Even if they _are_ eatable, it is frowned upon in most societies.

38. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine"

39. Ron Weasley will not appreciate being called "boy wonder." And he definitely does not want to wear green tights.

40. I am not allowed to bother Snape, and Dumbledore does not have "nakie time."

41. Voldemort does not appreciate being called "voldie poo" 

42. Under no circumstances am I to attempt to create a Holy Hand Grenade.

43. I will not Polyjuice myself and a friend to look like Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, then give each other passionate kisses in public.

44. Replying every question that Professor Lupin asks with, "Are you fucking Sirius?" is not funny, not even the first time.

45. "Beaters do it with Wood" is not funny, even if the only people who aren't laughing are the Weasley twins and Oliver.

46. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

47. I will not teach the veela the lyrics to "Oops, I Did It Again" even if they ask nicely.

48. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a 'pimp cane' and I should stop asking if I can be his ho.

49. Stop asking Hannah Abbot if her milkshake brings boys to the yard.

50. Getting my little brother to record his latest thrash masterpiece on a Howler so I can listen to it is a good idea in theory, but not in actuality.

51. I do not have a Pikachu Patronus, no matter how kickass that would be. **[A/N: that would be **_**insanely **_**kick-ass**

52. I will not refer to house elves as "self-disciplining submissives".

53. If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts".

54. Despite the fact that it takes place in a dungeon, I may not safeword out of Potions class.

55. Singing "If I Were a Rich Man" around the Weasleys is rude.

56. I may not sell Umbridge's quill to emo students, especially if they're no good at poetry.

57. Changing my name to Mary-Sue does not guarantee me hook-up rights with anyone I please.

58. Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.

59. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.

60. Providing Engorgio charms to students that are... lacking... before the Winter Ball will make your Head of House most displeased.

61. "You might be a pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.

62. The condition of Professor Snape's hair has nothing to do with the Muggle movie "There's Something About Mary."

63. Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.

64. Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Thompson, or any other fake house is forbidden. **[A/N: Thompson will be the girl's last name when and if I make this list into an actual fan fiction**

65. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

66. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".

67. I will not convince the house elves to unionize.

68. The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop insinuating that he is.

69. There are spoons. I will not destroy, transfigure, disappear or rename the cutlery so that there are no spoons.

70. I am not to owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

71. I am not a sloth Animagus.

72. I will not send shampoo to Snape's office, no matter how badly he needs it.

73. Naughty jokes regarding "Moaning" Myrtle are only funny the first time.

74. Singing "Slytherins are Sexier" in Potion's class will not get me extra points.

75. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Deatheaters.

76. Screaming "VOLDEMORT!" in crowded hallways is not classy and will make my proffessors angry with me.

77. Stealing Draco's underwear and selling it on Ebay to horny fangirls is not ethical, nor profitable (note to self: Steal Potter's underwear instead).

78. I will not refer to Ron Weasley as "that red-headed twit" in polite company (impolite company is just fine).

79. The "I Hate Snape" Club is not a valid after-class activity.

80. Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong. Making Draco Malfoy pay double for them is also wrong.

81. I will not tell Grawp that "Hermy" will give him a kiss if he eats certain members of the faculty.

82. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0", is not a valid T-shirt slogan

83. Writing sexy love letters to Professor Dumbledore, signed by "Your Kitten", is not an ethical means to skip Transfiguration class (though it is effective).

84. I will not address the Professor with a loud "Heil Umbridge!" and accompanying salute.

85. Having Colin and Dennis Creevy follow Harry Potter all day is cruel and unusual punishment.

86. I will not sell pennies as priceless, Muggle collector coins.

87. Asking Professor Snape to show you how to make a love potion is not recommended.

88. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."

89. A good way to piss Hermione off: Write "Hermione Granger was here" on multiple library books, thereby banning her from the library.

90. Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammar school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise.

91. Telling the first years about the time your friend got eaten by the giant squid is NOT appropriate. Ever.

92. I will stop charming Professor Snape's robes to bright purple (or any bright color for that matter).

93. Mail-order dinosaurs are NOT good birthday presents for Hagrid. No matter how much of a discount you get on them.

94. "Quidditch Players Do It in the Air" broom stickers are not allowed.

95. Shaving Mrs. Norris is not a public service.

96. Asking Professor Flitwick if there is a charm to remove clothes, or give you x-ray vision, is not permitted.

97. First years are not toys; I should not teach the Giant Squid to fetch them.

98. Yelling "to infinity, and BEYOND!" is only funny the first time you ride a broom.

99. I will not call my wand "an elegant weapon for a more civilized world".

100. I will not add, "according to the prophecy" at the end of all my sentences to raise my Divination grade.

_Extra thing I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts..  
_Harry Potter and Edward Cullen are not having an affair. And telling Bella Swan or Ginny Weasley this may physically or emotinoaly hurt me.  
_In referance to the book Twilight by Stephanie Meyer._

**Shall I make another chapter? I have about 200 more of these :) **

**I am making this into a fanfic where a character actually does all of these! **


	2. Do not jump out at Moody as a joke

**Disclamer: I don't own any of the Harry Potter terms, characters, animals or spells used in this list. I also do not own Santa Claus, Catnip, or tarot cards. **

_101 - 200 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. _

101. I will not start humming Christmas songs every time I meet Dumbledore in the corridors.

102. I will not under any circumstances allow Peeves to know the password into Dumbledore's office and offer him points for each object he destroys.

103. I will not invite Hermione to a Death Eater meeting.

104. I will not invite a Death Eater to a DA meeting.

105. I am not allowed to taunt Professor McGonagall with Catnip

106. I will not ask Snape for cocktail recipes using amortentia.

107. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden because it contains werewolves and massive spiders, not because there is a secret cave with the answer to every test, and I should refrain from telling the first years that there is.

108. Hogwarts is not in the flightpath of any Muggle airport, and Muggle airplanes cannot crash into Hogwarts anyway. That being the case, there is no need to have first years standing on the spires of Hogwarts Castle waving torches screaming "Go away, go away!!"

109. As mediocre an announcer Luna Lovegood is, she is just learning. John Madden and Al Michaels know nothing about Quidditch or our world and as such, I should not offer them a five-year contract.

110. Leaving dog biscuits on Professor Lupin's desk is HIGHLY disrespectful.

111. I will not tell first years that if they give Snape beauty tips, he will give them house points.

112. I will not ask Dumbledore how old he REALLY is.

113. I am not allowed to put permanent blue dye in the Prefect's Bathroom tub and make fun of them as they come out looking like Smurfs. (This goes for the teacher's bathrooms too.)

114. I am not allowed to beat up random students and then run around yelling, "The Dark Lord Strikes Again!"

115. I will not tell Hermione that Krum has just hurt Ron very badly.

116. I will not sing "If You're Happy and You Know It" while in Potions class.  
Or Transfiguration.

117. I will not ask Professor Flitwick how Santa Claus is doing.

118. I will not convince first-years that you really are allowed to have a dragon for a pet.

119. I will not convince the first-years that "Deatheaters" is the name for a cookery club specialized in experimental dishes.

120. I will not sit in Dumbledore's lap and tell him what I want for Christmas this year.

121. I will not when looking for Prof. McGonagall say, "Hear kitty, kitty."

122. I will not tell Prof. Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying.

123. I will NOT tell any other student that they are smarter than Hermione Granger, nor will I tell Hermione Granger that there is someone smarter than her.

124. I must not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor tower is "Petrificus Totalus" and must be recited with their wands pointed at them-selves.

125. I will not sing "We're off to see the Wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.

126. I Will not jump up, Yelling "VOLDEMORT, RUN!" in the middle of a Order or DA meeting

127. I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his "Happy place"

128. Sending Snape a bath assortment is punishable by detention.

129. I will not teach the front doors to recognize Filch and not let him in.

130. I will not put muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

131. Bringing fortune cookies to Diviniation class does not count for extra credit

132. I will not set Ravenclaw house on the task of calculating the exact value of pi.

133. However tempting it may be, i will not send Voldemort a Christmas card telling him how much we all love him, even through these difficult times.

134. I am not to dress like Neville's grandmother when going to the Halloween Party in Snape's class.

135. I am not to hide Earwax flavored Bertie Bott's inside of Lemon Drops and give them to Professor Dumbledore.

136. I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.

137. I will not go to Divination and tell Professor Trewlaney that I see her death in my teacup.

138. I will not steal veritaserum from Snape´s store and add some to the teachers morning tea.

139. When asked a question by a teacher I will not point out that the answer is protected by a fidelius charm and I am not the secret keeper. **(a/n: I have actually said this to my math teacher…)**

140. When asked a question by Professor Snape I will not ask him to get the answer by legilismency to give me a chance to practice occlumency. (**A/N: this too..)**

141. I will not convince the first-years that amulets of garlic will protect them in potions classes.

142. I will not put the imperius curse on Draco and make him proclaim his undying love for Snape, Harry, or Hermione... even if he deserves it. **[A/N: maybe me though…**

143. I will not dress up as a dementor at Harry's birthday party.  
Nor will I do this at Halloween.  
Or at any time during the year.

144. I am not allowed to give first years incentives to go in and play with Fluffy.  
Nor I am not allowed to dare them to climb the Whomping Willow.  
I am also not allowed to tell them that the Whomping Willow is inaccurately named and is actually a wonderful spot for peaceful reading.

145. I am not to spread rumors that Delores Umbridge is part toad due to her features.

146. _Do not_ jump out at Mad-Eye Moody for a joke. I repeat _DO NOT_!

147. Never ask Prof. Snape to make you a nice hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows.

148. Under no circumstances am I allowed to dye Voldemort's robes pink.

149. I am not allowed to tell Death Eaters that Voldemort is only the second most powerful person in the world and that they should look to me as their new leader.

150. I am not allowed to tell Voldemort that he should consider eyeliner to bring out the color in his eyes.

151. The phrase "Good dragon, nice dragon, please don't kill me," doesn't work.

152. Obsessive-compulsive disorder is not an acceptable excuse for periodically blindfolding and kidnapping Professor Sprout to force-clean her fingernails.

153. Just because Harry Potter left his Quidditch Captain badge on the common room table does not give me the right to charm it to say, "Hogwarts #1 Hottie, you know you want me."

154. I will not attempt to use the Whomping Willow to perform a Tarzan swing.

155. I must not tell first years that dragons are perfectly acceptable wizarding pets. The Ministry does not find this amusing.

156. I must not charm little heart-shaped bubbles to pop up anytime Hermione and Ron look at each other.

157. I am not allowed to tell first years that the only animals that are really allowed at Hogwarts are those with a XXXXX rating from the Ministry of Magic. (See Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them)

158. I must not convince the house elves to decorate Snape's dungeon in pink and lavender with flowers and doilies in his cauldron.

159. I must not bring copies of the Harry Potter series to Hogwarts and hand them out to all the students.

160. I will not give balls of yarn to Professor McGonagall as a Christmas present.

161. I will not call Professor Flitwick any of the following: Munchkin, Kid, Sport, Son, Midget, Shortie or any other name that refers to his height...or lack of.

162. I am not allowed to charm Professor Trelawny's teacups to always have a Grim at the bottom.  
I am also not allowed to paint the Grim on her hand when she's sleeping, her crystal ball, or find some way of putting a Grim into her dreams.  
Having said that I'm also not allowed to hire Sirius Black to chase her around the school in his dog form. Even if I ask nicely.

163. I will not tell Professor Snape that I know a beautician who does wonders with greasy hair for free.

164. I am not allowed to tell Professor Binns that he is dead and needs to move on.

165. I will not borrow Trelawny´s tarot cards for a game of poker.

166. I will not tell Dobby that Harry Potter's one greatest desire is to own a pit bull named Ripper.

167. I will not tell Professor Trelawny where the house elves keep their cooking sherry.

168. I will not tell Snape that Minerva McGonagall thinks he's hot. Or that any other person alive thinks he's hot.

169. I will not play funeral marches anytime I get bored in History of Magic.

170. I will not slip catnip into Professor McGonagall's evening tea. Or morning tea. Or any other time of day tea.

171. I am not allowed to post signs reading "Defense Against the Dark Arts Post Available: Applicants will be paid 500,000 Galleons for every year past the first that they survive." around Hogsmeade, Diagon Alley, or the Ministry of Magic.

172. I am not allowed to tell the Fat Lady to change the Gryffindor password to "Weasley is our king" or "Harry Potter: The Chosen One" or "Hermione, the brains behind the brawn".

173. I am not allowed to tell Voldemort that he is a figment of someone's imagination. No matter how true it may be.

174. I am not to introduce first years to Fluffy, the giant squid, the centaurs, or Grawp.  
I am also not allowed to encourage them to take one of the above as a pet.

175. I am not allowed to psychoanalyze Professor Trelawny. It clouds her Inner Eye.

176. I will not ask Professor Snape, when he's going to teach us the more useful potions like perfumes, body lotions, shampoo or moisturizing hand cream.

177. I am not allowed to use liquid foundation to paint over Harry's scar or dye his hair red in the middle of the night.  
Having not done that, I am also not allowed to use a brown permanent mark to draw a scar on Ron's forehead, put Harry's glasses on him or dye his hair black in the middle of the night.

178. I am not allowed to hiss at Harry instead of talking.

179. I am not allowed to shave Dumbledore's beard. Or his head.

180. I am not allowed to tell first years that if they dance with a tea cozy on their head for Filch, he'll let them go to Hogsmeade.

181. I will not point out to Professor Flitwick, that the wand-movements he's teaching me are wrong according to my kwik spell course, Chapter one "Holding the wand".

182. I will not ask any of the teachers whether they went to Hogwarts as kids or attended a kwik spell course.

183. I will not give a kwik spell course to any of the teachers as a Christmas present. Nor will I tell the first-years to do so.

184. I will not point out to Professor McGonagall that she has been teaching my grandmother.  
I will not use the fact that she did teach my grandmother to blackmail her.

185. I am not allowed to draw mustaches, glasses, scars, devil horns, or other paraphernalia on the paintings in Hogwarts while the subjects are sleeping. They do not find it amusing.

186. I am not allowed to put duct tape over the Fat Lady's mouth to prevent her from "singing"

187. I am also not allowed to remove her mouth by painting over it.

188. I will not tell Gryffindor first years that sneaking into the Slytherin dormitory is a rite of passage to truly become a Gryffindor.  
I will also not tell them this about Snape's office, Snape's supply room, or any other place that I know Snape will or could be occupying.

189. I'm not allowed to conjure magenta butterflies following Prof. Snape everywhere he goes. This rule also applies to light blue fairies, songbirds of any color, and most astonishingly to bats.

190. I will not start a howler chain letter saying "Your life will be cursed for 7 years if you don't send this to 10 fellow students within 15 minutes."

191. I will not ask Professor Trelawny when she last had her Inner Eye tested.  
I will also not recommend that she get glasses for her Inner Eye.

192. I am not allowed to give Peeves the keys to any room that Snape uses.  
I am also not allowed to encourage him to wreak any havoc he feels necessary to "brighten" the room.

193. I must not start a club to overthrow the teachers and take control of Hogwarts.

194. I am not allowed to tell people that Voldemort is a kind loving person compared to me. It's a one-way ticket to Azkaban or St. Mungo's mental health ward.

195. I am not allowed to post pictures of Voldemort over Harry's bed. This frightens him.

196. I am never allowed to put a Boggart in Hermione's room to see her freak out over her grades.

197. I will not change any potions recipes on the blackboard behind Professor Snape´s back.

198. I will not exchange the labels on the ingredient boxes in Snape´s storeboard.

199. I will not practice color-changing spells on Professor Snape´s clothing.

200. I will not suggest that Snape go to counseling to overcome the ghosts of his past.

**A/N: Please tell me if any of these are repeted from the first chapter. With about 400 things its hard to tell. **

**3rd chapter is soon to come :)!!**


	3. A Montegue is but a name

Very sorry about the author's note but I need some advice.

_I am making this list into a story and I was wondering if anyone wanted to be one of the characters??? _

Ok and the advice I need is **what the main girl's, who is actually doing everything on this list, name should be…..**

**Here are the choices: (nickname's are in the parentheses)**

Isabelle (Issy)

Nessie

Madeline (Maddie)

Mackenzie (Mac)

Elizabeth (Ellie or Lizzy)

Melody (Mel)

Natalie (Nat)

Rachael (Ray)

Camii

Meghan (Ace)

Her last name is Thompson.

Note: Sorry but someone told me they wanted to read the chapter of my list made into a story when I was done writing it and I lost the email so could whoever wanted to do that retell me please??


	4. We Represent the Lollipop Guild

**Disclaimer is on Chapter One**

_200 - 309 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts_

201. I will not leave candy around Snape's office with the message, "To Sweeten Your Disposition".

202. I am not allowed to draw pictures of Boggart Snape and post them about the dungeons.

203. I am not allowed to tell Snape that his Boggart form is far more attractive.

204. I am not to give Snape vulture hats, dresses, or large red handbags for Christmas or for his birthday.

205. I am not to give him a box of health and beauty products to better his style.

206. I will not ask Snape whether he trusts his teaching abilities enough to drink poison when I provide the antidote.

207. I will not rearange the letters in my name to something evil sounding.  
On this note, I am also not to get a group of followers and call them something evil.  
Along with the above, I am not to get everyone similar tatoos.  
This is considered rude and annoying to those that it copies.

208. I will not pick up a stray hairball, take it to Professor McGonagall and say 'Professor, i think this is yours'.

209. I will not order 7 Hogwarts house elves to go to a costume party with me to perfect my Snowwhite costume.

210. I will not tell the prefects that due to budget cuts, their bathroom will be open to all students.

211. I will not tell the Slytherin prefects that the Gryffindor prefects are in love with them or vice versa.

212. I will not bewitch Percy's prefect badge to yell "I'm in love with myself!" every time it senses movement.

213. I am not allowed to steal a prefect badge and declare myself School Dictator.

214. I am not allowed to give the Hogwarts house-elves butterbeer for Christmas, or any other holiday.

215. I am not allowed to lead a student rebellion in hopes of banning homework from Hogwarts.

216. I am not allowed to give Dumbledore any more bright and shining objects. He already has too many.

217. I am not allowed to dress up as Lord Voldemort for Halloween.  
Nor am I allowed to dress up as a Death Eater.

218. I will not provide Snape with a dress and red handbag so that he can wear a costume and look like a boggart.

219. I am not allowed to suggest that Hogwarts students should have Halloween off from school, as it is a holiday.

220. I am not allowed to post flyers around Hogwarts saying that classes have been cancelled on Halloween.  
I am also not allowed to convince first-years that there are no classes on Halloween just to see them get in trouble.

221. I will not ask Professor McGonagall to transfigure my old broomstick into a firebolt.

222. I will not ask Professor McGonagall whether she ever transfigured a garden gnome into a charms teacher.

223. I will not ask Professor McGonagall to transfigure Professor Snape into a bat.

224. I will not point out to Professors McGonagall and Snape that learning potions is pointless as I could transfigure pea soup into any potion I need.

225. Saying, "Dude get a life" to Lord Voldemort is disrespectful and will probably get me killed.

226. I am not allowed to ask Lord Voldemort "Who died and made you a lord?"

227. I will not tell Oliver that Quidditch as been permently canceled.  
I will then not tell him that it is Marcus Flint's fault.

228. I will not give a "Chosen by whom, actually?"-Shirt to Harry for Christmas.

229. I will not address Ron "My little Redcap". Nor will I call Harry "My Hinkipunk".

230. I will not advise Professor Snape to "look on the bright side of life".

231. I will not tell Ron that the Chudely Cannons have broken apart.

232. I will not tell Hermione that the library has been closed down.

233. I must not point to Harry Potter's scar and ask if his Voldy senses are tingling.

234. I must not put a paper sign on Firenze's back saying "Pony Rides: 3 Sickles".

235. I must not make fun of Prof. Lupin's 'time of the month'.

236. I will not donate my "Harry Potter" books to the Hogwarts library.

237. I will not smuggle "The Wizard of Oz" into the historic section of the library.

238. I will not taunt McGonagell with a piece of string.

239. I will not ask Prof. Flitwick to sing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!"  
Nor will I ask him to sing "We Represent the Lollipop Guild"

240. I am not allowed to charm the professors' chalkboards to read, "This class is now optional."

241. I am not allowed to suggest that professors only be allowed to assign homework once a week.

242. I will not accuse Fluffy of having eaten my homework.

243. I will not tell Prof. Snape that Prof. Flitwick made me practice vanishing spells on my potions essay.

244. I will not tell Prof. McGonagall that I did her homework with the invisible ink I had to brew for potions.

245. I will not use magic to change the questions into those I can answer.

246. I will not study how to break anti cheating charms instead of revising for the exams.

247. I will not suggest to Fred and George to invent and sell anti-anti cheating charms quills.

248. I will not use the imperius curse to make older students write my exams for me.

249. I will not use the imperius curse on any teacher to get the questions beforehand.

250. I am not allowed to ask McGonagall if I can use Transfiguration to turn guys into girls for just one day so they know what it's like.

251. I am not allowed to lock guys in their trunks when they look at me funny.  
Furthermore I am not allowed to do this when they simply look at me.

252. I am not to in any way harm guys who ask me, "What's wrong with you?"  
Nor am I allowed to harm them when they don't understand why I keep saying, "You don't want to know."

253. I am not allowed to convince the Fat Lady to change the password to "Men Suck"

254. I am not allowed to convince any of the password taking portraits in the castle that they are not to admit any men into their respective areas.

255. I am not allowed to charm the signs on the girls and boys dormitories, just so I can laugh at the guys as they slide down the girls' stairs.  
I am also not allowed to encourage first years to do it for me.

256. I am not allowed to ignore my male teachers simply because they don't understand me.  
I am also not allowed to suggest that they get in touch with their feminine side.

257. I will not roll my eyes behind my male teacher's back every time they speak.

258. I will not mutter "men" whenever a male teacher annoys me.

259. I am not to address male students with "stupid".

260. I am not allowed to pass out flyers indicating that Quidditch season has now been changed to midwinter.

261. I am not allowed to tell Oliver that Quidditch isn't everything.  
I am also not to encourage him to seek psychiatric help for his obsession.

262. I am not allowed to give Oliver a normal broomstick and say that it's the fastest model out there.  
I am also not to laugh at him when he bursts into tears upon realizing it doesn't move voluntarily.

263. I am not allowed to dye the Slytherin team's robes pink, lavender, or any other feminine color.

264. I am not allowed to practice jinxes on any opposing team's broomsticks.  
I am also not allowed to practice jinxes on the opposing team members.

265. I am not to suggest to Dumbledore that Quidditch is far too dangerous a sport and should be replaced with American football.

266. I will not set the Quidditch hoops on fire to add some spice to the game.  
I will not suggest a new rule, that the defending team gets 5 points when the keeper flies through a burning hoop before intercepting the quaffle.

267. I will not set loose a bunch of golden canarys on a Quidditch field during a game.

268. I will not bewitch the snitch to hide under the referees robes. Nor under any of the teachers´ robes.

269. I will not bewitch the quaffle to behave like a bludger.

270. I will not found a "Stop beating helpless bludgers"-society.

271. I will not hand out sleeping draught to the opposing team.

272. I am not allowed to sneak my own Snitch into the game and let it loose.

273. I am not allowed to bribe opposing teams to lose.  
Along these lines I am also not allowed to blackmail or Imperius them to lose.

274. I am not allowed to steal the Slytherin brooms and replace them with Filch's cleaning supplies.

275. I am not allowed to give out bewitched mops to replace brooms.

276. I am not allowed to suggest that Quidditch be cancelled until a more kid-friendly game can be found.

277. I am not allowed to lock opposing team members in their dormitories, broom closets, classrooms, dungeons, or their own locker room.

278. I'm not to tell the first years, that they'll be taught how to ride a broom in the first term of the year and how to wrestle a troll in the second. Nor am I to convince them that other than broom riding, troll wrestling is an obligatory exam subject.

279. I will not suggest to Hagrid to teach dragon riding instead of Care of Magical Creatures.

280. Thestrals are not apt for rodeos. Nor are centaurs.

281. I will not try to convince the centaurs to help me to establish a polo team at Hogwarts.

282. I am not allowed to convince Peeves to let trolls into the castle. It's not really a funny joke.

283. I am not allowed to set Snape's robes on fire and then blame Hermione for it.

284. I am not allowed to suggest that the school's mascots need to be replaced with more fearsome creatures.  
I am also not allowed to suggest the following replacements:  
Gryffindor: Bunny rabbits  
Slytherin: Slugs  
Hufflepuff: Mice  
Ravenclaw: Pink Elephants

285. I am not allowed to leave a note for Filch saying that Mrs. Norris has been kidnapped and is being held for a ransom of 10000000000 Galleons.  
I am also not allowed to convince first-years that this would be a funny prank.

286. I am not allowed to cackle whenever practicing magic. Real wizards don't get it.

287. I am not allowed to suggest that we open the school to Muggles.

288. I am not allowed to start a Death Eater Rehabilitation Center.  
Nor am I allowed to suggest that the Ministry start one.

289. I'm not allowed to set Snape´s robes on fire and then ask him how he did that.

290. It is not wise to point out to Snape that setting your robes on fire is a rather awkward way to get a girl's attention. Suggesting he should just have asked you out for dinner is even stupid (but might make you a posthumous hero for your fellow students).

291. I'm not allowed to ask Prof. Binns, whether there are any documented cases of the universe trying to burn a witch/wizard without help from muggles.

292. I'm not allowed to send word to Voldemort that Snape is hunted by the universe itself, while he, Voldemort, has only Dumbledore after him.

293. I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing your textbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information to sink through the skull and into the brain.  
Having not done this, I will not stay up all night to laugh at the first-years.

294. I am not allowed to encourage Peeves to make up a song about Snape to sing anytime he spots him.

295. I will not give out Skiving Snackboxes disguised as bonbons to the professors as a means of delaying class.  
I will also not encourage first years to do this for me.

296. I am not allowed to play Strip Quidditch on school grounds.  
I am also not allowed to suggest that the Gryffindor team practice by playing Strip Quidditch.

297. I will not raid the underwear drawers and hang up in the common room, the underwear in a strategically placed fashion so it says "I see London, I see France, I can see your underpants"

298. I will not tell Moaning Myrtle that Draco has a crush on her.

299. I will not tell Moaning Myrtle that Draco thinks she is a geek.

300. I will not tell everyone that Draco started the Hug a Muggle Campaign.

301. I will not go and find everything where he has written something about the Half-Blood Prince and change Half-Blood Prince to Half-Blood Princess

302. I will not ask Snape why he feels the need to teach DADA. He's much better with Potions.

303. I am not allowed to bow before Snape and say, "Oh mighty Half-Blood Prince, how may I be of service?" He doesn't find this amusing.  
I am also not allowed to encourage first years or Gryffindors to do likewise.

304. I am not allowed to give Peeves "Wreaking Havoc for Dummies" and suggest that he take some ideas from it.  
Nor am I allowed to suggest that he write a book entitled "Wreaking Havoc for Dummies."

305. Charming Prof. Flitwicks stack of books to fall over the minute he stands on them is not funny and can cause serious damage not only to Flitwick but also to the books.

306. I will not, as tempting as it is, tell Harry that Voldemort is his uncle.

307. I will not lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room and take bets on who will come out alive.

308. A drawn on thunder cloud scar over my left eyebrow does not mean I am Harry Potter's evil twin.

309. It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindors.

(sorry boys for the men jokes)

The story for this list is being written, it shall be up soon!!


	5. Teaser for Operation: Insanity

Ok I know i'm taking forever getting the actual story for this list out... and i'm sorry and everyting but here's the first part of the first chapter! (It's going to be way longer) TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!! plz... I need encouragement to continue! Special thanks to lightsided-angel for letting me use her as my OC!

_**Teaser for "Operation: Insanity"**_

**Hello. How are you today? I'm just dandy, thank you for asking. How about you? I'm feeling very frightened. Why? Because I'm talking to myself. Oh, shut up we do this all the time. You shut up. **

_Hi, my name just happens to be Nessie Thompson. Never heard of me? That's really too bad because I've heard I'm quite funny (or insane; whichever way you choose to put it). I go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I also happen to be one of those other mysterious Gryffindor girls in the same year as a certain Miss Hermione Granger. But of course no one cares about me, just snooty Granger with her amazing voluminous hair that could most likely fit 'twenty-eight forks, a pet parrot, my Great Aunt Zelda, and the complete works of William Shakespeare'. Enough about that and lets get to the story at hand. It is June in my seventh and final year at Hoggie'sWarts and I decided to look back on all the hugormously fabaganting things I've done in my entire stay here, so, if my lovely stories seem a little plot holeish, they're not. So, it all began one day in my fourth year during divination class… (Not really but it's a very good beginning, don't you think?) _

I climbed up the ladder to divination and banged (or maybe the correct term is bung; who knows? Or cares…) my head on the trapdoor, passed out, fell down off the ladder from twenty feet and went into a coma for fifteen years. Just kidding! Ok, anyway…

As I made my way up the pretty brown rope ladder to the trapdoor with a shiny plaque on it I could already smell the incense burning in the room above me. In some ways, I dreaded being stuck up in the attic of Hogwarts with all the non-air filtering and the ongoing fire in the hot, hot summer months but in actuality I loved going to divination. I got to annoy the piss out of Professor Trelawney. While making everyone in the room laugh. It was quite amusing. Today I had a few things in my bag that would prove to be useful.

When I finally made my way up into the smelly hot classroom I wound my way around random poofy chair like things and small circular tables to the normal small circular table that my best friend, Yazmin, and I sit at every class. I sat down and dropped my books all over the floor and waited for Yazmin to get here and class to start. To occupy my time I took out my sling shot and got my play-dough out of my bag.

The location of the table I sit at can be quite useful when bored because from a certain Harry Potter's usual table with his usual people, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley, you cannot see it. At all.

I loaded the sling-shot with play-dough and pulled back and released making a wooosh-like sound effect and WHACK lime green play-dough hit Ron Weasley square in the middle of the forehead. I had to admit I have great aim. Even if I was aiming for Hermione's ear, but whatever. It made Weasley jump pretty high anyway. He's now looking for who just shot Play-Dough at him, so I wave, but he can't see me. Oh the joy of Divination.

Oooh, Yaz just walked in, let the real fun begin!

"Hi hi Nes," she greeted.

"Hey, where've you been? You missed me flinging play-dough at Weasley's head," I said happily and quite loudly. My statement _may_ have caught the attention of Dean Thomas, Seamus Finnigan, and Neville Longbottom who were now snickering and pointing at Weasley. Not that I minded of course, Neville is pretty hot… I must have a weird thing for guys other girls won't ever like because Yazmin made a puking sound when I told her that last week and _again_ when I told her that some day he would be totally kick-ass and chop off the head of a giant serpent or something. Anyway!

"I had to get the cookies." Yazmin said looking at me like I was insane, which I am. (And was)

"Oooooooooooooooooooooh, yay, the fun is really just beginning," I cackled. Just then Professor Bug-eyes walked in, Yazmin and I shared an evil look before sitting up straighter in our seats. I raised my hand and gave the "seer" an innocent expression (which was completely fake I might add).

"Yes, Miss Thompson?" she inquired glancing over at me.

"I was wondering if I could give the class some cookies?"

"Uh – yes, sure of course," she stated confusedly looking at me closer. I kicked the innocence up a notch – I wasn't really going to do anything potentially harmful, not that she knew that. I looked over at Yazmin and she pulled the bag of muggle fortune cookies out of her book-bag and handed it to me. I then proceeded to pass the cookies to the students in beanbags, tables and squashy armchairs.

"Fortune cookies?" Granger asked snottily (in my point of view at least, the Prof. probably thought it was sweet and innocent). She then looked at Weasley – who had just stuffed the whole cookie in his mouth and was pulling out the piece of paper from his mouth with a disgusted look on his face.

"Why is there little slips of paper in these? Miss… Thompson?" Professor bug-eyes asked.

"Because they're fortune cookies! You crack them open and read your fortune on the little slip of paper inside! And THEN eat the cookie," I added looking pointedly at Weasley. Dean and Seamus were looking over Neville's shoulder and laughing about what his fortune said.

"Hahaha Neville's says "everything will now come your way" you'd better duck, Neville," Dean chuckled.

"That doesn't even make any sense. What does yours say Dean?" Neville stated, and then asked.

"Uh… it says… 'Someone can read your mind.' Well _that's_ comforting." Dean turned to Seamus and asked, "What's yours say?"

"THAT WASN'T CHICKEN!" Seamus quoted showing his slip of paper to Dean, Neville and I. "What the heck is that supposed to mean? Was the chicken I ate for lunch not really chicken?!"

"Ooooo, mine says I'll, like, gain admiration from my, like, peers! That is, like, so, like, cool!" Lavender squealed.

"That says pears Lavender not peers." Yazmin corrected looking over her roommate's shoulder.

"But how can she gain admiration from pears? They're like animate objects." Parvarti stated. I looked over at Parvarti and Lavender just then. How can two people be so incredibly stupid?

"Inanimate, Parvarti, not animate", I stated to her like she was a three year old.

"Well, like, potato, tomato, Nessie. What does yours say Parvarti?" Lavender asked turning away from Yazmin and I. (Yes, she really just said potato, tomato. She should be informed the saying is potato, potahto.)

"It says 'You are not illiterate.' What does illiterate mean?" Parvarti asked Lavender. At this point I turned to Yazmin and shook my head and she muttered "Stupid" and we turned to the 'golden trio'.

"Mine says 'The greatest danger could be your stupidity.'" Weasley mumbled. Potter and Granger burst out laughing. Granger gasped in between breaths, "That- is- so- _true_!"

Weasley scowled at her, "What's yours say then Hermione?"

"Hold on," Hermione said while cracking open her fortune cookie. "It says, 'Your emotional nature is strong and emotional.' Huh, I _really_ did not think my emotions were emotional! This fortune is changing my life!"

"Oh stop being so snooty Granger," I said rolling my eyes. Granger, Potter, Weasley and Yazmin all stared at me. "Did I say that out loud?" They nodded and I shrugged my shoulders in an oh-whatever fashion.

"Professor, why are we wasting our time with stupid muggle objects?" Draco Malfoy asked looking at Professor T. Now if you wanted to see someone hotter (if that's a word) than Neville you can look to Draco. I mean _damn _that boy was _fine_. Anyway! (Yet again)

"What does yours say to make these 'stupid'? Did it offend poor drakey? Aww…" I said pouting my lip at him (Don't worry only Yazmin realized I was flirting).

"Why do you care?" Draco sneered at me. I'm thinking he winked at me too but it coulda been my imagination, which it was very likely it was. **(A/N: It wasn't)**

"Aww, does poor little Drakey feel embarrassed by what his muggle fortune says?" I cooed at him. At this point we had the entire attention of the class, which Draco noticed.

"No it did not." He defended. "Fine, it says 'Don't behave with cold manners'." After Draco had read his fortune the entire class burst into laughter while Draco scowled at them, yet again.

"That's pretty good advice Malfoy, you should definitely take it." Yazmin said holding back laughter.

"Whatever", Malfoy mumbled sitting back in his chair. Padma Patil, the smart twin, raised her hand.

"Yes Miss Patil?" Professor Trelawney asked.

"What does yours say, Professor?"

"Well, I haven't looked at it yet, hold on", Professor Trelawney said while cracking open her fortune cookie. She went a little pale and stuttered, "Well um… it says, 'Next time you tell Harry Potter he is going to die you will be run over with a bus. And if you continue to tell him he is going to die you will be hung by you toes from a tree in a dragon hatching area in Romania. Charlie said he'd help. STOP BEING SO NEGATIVE, JEEZ!'" The entire class burst out laughing - yet again. I high-fived Yazmin under the table. I may have written that fortune and then gave it to Yazmin to put in one of the cookies. What's funny is Charlie actually did say he would help. Oh- in case you didn't know Charlie is Ron's older brother who works with dragons in Romania. He's almost as cool as Fred and George (they're Ron's other brothers). I really do not see how such cool people as Charlie, Fred and George are even related to Ronald and Percy Weasley; it just doesn't make sense. Then there's Bill, another one of Ron's older brothers. He has a ponytail and a fang earring, how in the world is he even _related_ to Ron? Ok, I'm getting a _teeny_ bit off topic.

"Ok class settle down!" Trelawney commanded, "Everyone go over to the shelves and get a teacup, we will be studying tea leaves today." Professor Trelawney started passing out books to the class.


End file.
